Loss is part of life. It can come in many forms. The loss of a job, limb, relationship, health, youth, or the loss of a loved one can all bring about some type of grief. During the COVID lock downs we all lost our freedom, some lost their jobs or businesses, others lost loved ones.
Loss brings about grief. How do we deal with it? How do we cope?
Do we seek God and connect with Him? Do we Pray? Do we become angry? Do we turn inward? Do we look for distractions? Do we feel as if we are losing our mind? Do we understand the grief process? Do we feel as if normal will never exist again?
The Grieving Brain, How It Impacts the Christian Life
I was recently searching for something at Amazon and a book titled, The Grieving Brain, by Mary-Frances O’Connor, PHD (link further down in article) came up during my search. It wasn’t what I was looking for but the title intrigued me. Grief has been an interest for me and something I really want to understand, not only for myself but for others as well. I had always seen grief as an emotional journey. I never considered the brain, the neurological role it might play in grief, or the impact that role could have on the Christian life.
My father had been ill for several years and my time was spent between our home and helping my mother with those things she was unable to do while caring for him. When he died we were all prepared, but there was still a since of loss followed by a year of taking care of all those business transactions that follow. Then, there was helping my mother find her way through the new life she was now facing.
Just as we felt like life was returning to some kind of normal, we lost our son. To say my world was rocked is an understatement. But, it wasn’t over. Within a few months COVID hit and it wasn’t long before normal changed for the whole world.
Grief and loss is a reality for everyone. My story is no different than that of many other families. I had heard it would change me. I had heard grief leaves you with a different perspective on life, new priorities, and a feeling of restlessness. You feel different, you feel the changes, but you are unable to put them into words. There is no roadmap for where you have been that leads to where you are now or where you will be as you go through the process of rebuilding your life.
This book was a literal answer to prayer. It is not your typical book on grief. While it is written in a compassionate manner, it is not a touchy feely book. It is written from a scientific look at what grief does to a person, how they cope, how they rebuild, and the way the brain functions through it all.
I was concerned, not having a background in science, that I would be unable to understand it. I was pleased to find I had no reason to worry about it. The author writes in a way that almost anyone could understand.
This book discusses several studies, done with imaging technology, on the brains of people who are grieving. It gives insight into how and why people respond to loss in the ways they do.
While I don’t want to give too much away and spoil the book for anyone, I will say this, the grief process takes a long time because our brains are not designed to deal with absence. Our brains function by taking in information. The absence of information does not compute. The absence of someone who has always been there is not an easy concept for our brain to grasp. We might know it on a logical level. We might understand it on the emotional and painful level. But, our brains and all the firing synapses, brain maps, and neurons, cannot understand  the absence. It takes time to remap the brain, to retrain it, to give it the information it needs to relearn. During that time, the grieving individual is just doing their best to cope with the loss of a loved one alongside the loss of some typical brain functions.
This book walks you through the various ways our brains are relearning during the grief and loss cycle, from the initial shock to the rebuilding of our lives.
I highly recommend it to everyone, as all of us at one time or another will lose someone we love and understanding what is going to happen to our brains is information that will help along the way. However, this book is also invaluable to those who work with others. It will help the teacher, the social worker, the pastor, the community servant, and all those who serve others, as it opens their understanding to what others may be going through as they work their way through grief and at times the depression that accompanies it.
Although this book is not written from a Christian perspective the author does write about the importance of religion in the grieving process. If you are a believer and understand that we were created and God is our Creator, you will need to substitute that understanding,at times as she covers a subject based on an evolutionary perspective. Making that substitution does not change the science or the information presented.
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Knowing that God is my creator gave me a perspective on this book and the various ways the brain works through grief in a way I did not consider. I now see some scriptures in a much more intimate and deeper way.
God created us and he created our brains. He knows how painful the loss and grief experience can be. He also knows how long it can take for the brain to adjust. He knows we will not be the same when we come out the other side. He knows the process will change us forever and it will be one of the most difficult changes we may ever experience. He knows the brain He created will find the absence a difficult concept that requires time to learn and remap.
Reading the book opened my eyes to seeing these scriptures in ways that make my heart almost explode with a deep love and appreciation for who our God truly is. He knows this struggle and He assures us we will make it through the process and He will be there for us.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
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How great His love for us must be that He reveals in His own words His care for those who suffer heart break and loss.
I am an Amazon Associate and do receive a small commission from qualifying sales. However, this does not increase your cost at all. And I would like to add that it is not a factor in my desire to share this book with all those who could benefit from reading it.
How much more could we all serve those we know and love who will experience loss and grief, when we truly understand how their brain works and how this will impact their ability to move through the process. While we cannot do it for them, we can be there with a better understanding than ever before.
Life is a journey, cherish the journey.
Thank you Sherrie for your insightful review of The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O'Connor. I especially loved the scripture references you shared from our loving and compassionate Father God that helps us through the heart-rending time of loss of loved ones.